I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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