i was born a porn star she said
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
