we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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