I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
now i know why i became what i already was.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN