just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
19 People Did The Wildest Things When They Were Black-Out Drunk
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
21 Signs That A Dude is Probably Insane
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist