My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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