Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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