my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My vagina just clenched in fear
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
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