If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Randomize
