just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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