You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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