my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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