I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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