what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
i think i just lost a toe
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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