The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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