so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
