i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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