if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
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there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
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Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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