The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
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Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
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I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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