so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
