Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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