I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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