lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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