Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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