I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
