I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
