I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
