I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
