I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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