woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
