I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
