Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
