I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
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When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
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My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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