I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
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I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
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I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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