you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
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No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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