He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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