I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
