Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
