Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
