Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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