Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
