possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
