it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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