I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
