So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
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he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
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I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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