i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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