if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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