This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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