i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Randomize
