i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Houston, we have a squirter
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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