I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
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