Moan for me like Helen Keller
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
