Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
