i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
